At least for right now, I am doing better.
For those who know me well, I have had a pretty rough few weeks. For those who don't, well just a recap:
* Had a miscarriage, and dealt with some insurance issues with that
* Had a friend run back into some problems and I opted to jump in and help out, again.
* Had a friend leave for another country, for only who knows how long.
* Have been dealing with issues at work
Well, last week some things finally came to a head and my serenity was at stake. In the second issue, I was forced to make a decision and it has been causing my heart to tear apart with the decision I have made. I KNOW it was for the best, but sometimes my heart and my mind don't always agree. So here are some things that have led me to where I am at now.
Easter weekend I pulled the plug on the technology part of my life. I turned off my phone and chose not to check Facebook or e-mail. I have NO idea how much I missed and in all reality, I don't rightly care. It was VERY difficult not having my phone for texting but I think it really helped me out. It really helped me stay focused on what the weekend was about and my family. I didn't care about work for the entire weekend nor anyone else's family affairs. I got a lot of my to-do list re-evaluated and completed the following week and I think that Easter weekend was the spark for that.
Things really got tough at the middle of the week when I got really sick with a sinus infection and an acquaintance changing plans. I took care of myself first. I had my husband take me to a clinic to get treated, I let my daughter go to a movie and my son just have fun with grandpa. The medicine started to clear my head and I started to deal with my emotions from past events. I really struggled with a decision that I knew in my heart was right for me and my family. So, tonight at my AA meeting I talked to the ladies about it. I knew some of the things I would hear but there were also several that I SHOULD have known about but didn't think of. So here is what was mentioned to me and I think after you read this, you will know why I am feeling better. Mainly, I see the problem, and I can deal WITH the problem. I don't feel like I'm in the dark and I know I am not the only one dealing with this struggle.
* Control - I am no longer in control of the situation or the outcome. I can not control his decision or his family's decision. I don't agree with it but I have that right. I know their decision is wrong but they are NOT my family and I HAVE to become okay with that.
* Lead a horse to water .... - We all know the rest. I have given this man all I can to make his life successful. Tools to sobriety, tools to getting a job, and financial tools (and I am one of those terds that "practice what I preach, not what I do"). I can't force him to use any of it. Again, control.
* Emotional - I have let my emotions for a small child get the best of me. She is not being abused physically. I can't say she doesn't live in a dangerous situation but I don't have proof that she does either. Until I do, I have to accept she is safe and she is where she belongs, with her family.
* Prayer - Relinquishing my control and accepting the situation as it stands will only come through prayer. God has always comforted me and led me where I needed to be and I need to trust him on this. It is saying I have the faith that everything will turn out how it was meant to be.
* Serenity Prayer - I have always loved the serenity prayer and tonight I heard someone tell me her version of it because she knows she will always have trouble any other way. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and a MIRROR to know the difference. Because the only thing we can change is ourselves." This is so true. I can change my feelings and emotions on the situation but I can't change anyone elses.
So I have set my boundaries. I have my limits. They have been hit so now I am relying on God to help me accept the current situation and live in the moment, don't think about the future. Let my life be an example of how everything works the way it should if you work the program. It isn't an easy road to travel and there are many times where I feel like breaking. I am very thankful that I have some very sturdy rocks that I can hold onto when the waves come crashing down. Who are the rocks?
* God
* Jeremy
* My parents (and in-laws)
* My close friends
* AA
Oh, and in that order. I thank all of you that keep asking how I'm doing. The cards I have received. The love I have felt. I think the storm is over and I am beginning to breathe again. Only God knows how long before another storm comes, but I know who I can count on. You guys have made it abundantly clear and I thank you. Now I'm off to throw on my shows that have been accumulating on the dvr as I threw a massive pity party in bed, and do some laundry folding (as well as a few other things).
No comments:
Post a Comment